out of mind

I no longer have a home, my mind is my home. -Jao
i read this quote in rookie and resonated with it. i have two homes, but never really thought of my mind as 'home'. and it's actually true and real. my mind is my home and i dont know if i like that idea.
if you know me, you know i always say i have two brains. my two brains and i. one brain is the one that speaks and the other brain is the one that analyzes (my first brain is my favorite). i've gotten weird/confused looks when i tell people i think i have two brains and it makes me feel kind of insecure, but i get it.
anyways, yeah i've got two brains. for example, let's take a normal conversation, like this:
"Hey! Wanna hang out today?"
"Ugh, no sorry, I can't!"
"Oh, okay!"
Normal. No substance. Simple. - That's how my first brain thinks.
But with my second, god, is it annoying. This is how it thinks:
"Fuck, they don't like me. They probably don't want to hang out with me. Man, they hate me. Like why don't they want to hang out? Are they doing something today? Lol, they just don't wanna hang out with me. Yeah, that's it."
Second brain, nO, THAT'S NOT IT. WTF?????
I've talked about this with my friend, Jess, and she said it perfectly, "I feel like everyone is out to get me." AND THAT'S EXACTLY IT!!! I read into things too much and fuck, it's so annoying. and it's not only that, i literally think about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. there's so much going on in my brain that it just gets exhausting.
but i don't really wanna talk about my two brains too much because well, guess what, I'LL READ TOO MUCH INTO IT. what i wanna talk about is my mind being my home. yeah, it's scary, but it's kinda nice. my mind is mine. no one else's. i can think about something and no one know i thought about it (unless my theory in someone, SOMEONE, in this world being able to mind read is true). it's just cool that your mind is one of the only things that's rightfully YOURS and no one can use/take/etc. it. sometimes you do want someone to take it away, we've all got our problems up in there (our brain [or brains]). but, personally, i think it's nice having something that's always with you. i'm treating my brains as if they're real objects, but seriously, they can be. anyways, that's the story of my two brains and i. =^^=

DAYS

god, i've been trying to type this blogpost up for WEEKS. there's so much to talk about I don't even know where to begin so here's an attempt:

ONE - I went to Mexico last month for my cousin's wedding and it was so so fun!! I got to spend some time with family and got to see beautiful sights and got reminded of my privilege. we passed by some little little little LITTLE towns and it was refreshing. i talk about privilege a lot, but because i think it's important to recognize it at all times and be grateful for what we've got. anyways, here's some pictures of that weekend, even though these DEFINITELY don't justify how fucking beautiful it was. 
TWO - because my friends and i couldn't make it to beach goth this year (even tho i heard it was a shit show), we decided to be a bit lame and create 'geach both' and just listened to music and had some fuuunnnnn. OH, also we're fans of Stranger Things so we did the wall letters thing (first pics are of all that). Halloween also passed and it was fun (i was Selena Quintanilla :-), (so there's also pictures of that night as well).THREE - we also celebrated two birthdays this past month. two great friends are now a year older and i hate it (i'm kind, of sort, really terrified of growing old!!!!). [random note: well, the U.S. is in deep shit. y'know, it was/is hard. its been hard for a lot of people trying to cope with the fact that our next president (and our future cabinet) are so full of hatred toward so many minorities. this election had so many negative aspects, i still cant believe it was really our election. fuck being in a bubble full of privilege and not remembering that there are so many racists, misogynists, homophobics, transphobics, islamophobics, xenophobics, etc., etc. fuck this corrupt world. ]FOUR - so now, as im typing this, im home for fall break and its my first day here. its already been a rough day, but lets hope for better ones. here are some pictures that make me wanna cry because i love my friends. (pic creds to mia!! if ya wanna see more beautiful film, she has posted more on her instagram) im hoping to post again this week, i really need to focus on my blog more. give me life updates!!! how are u guys!!! hope youre happy!!!! and great doing things!!!

Leave Me Alone

11 comments
Sexuality always gets me so heated just because I think people really need to be more open about it and just let people be. Here's a fun conversation that is half made up, but half that is actual dialogue from friends and others. Sorry, if ya can't read the text, I'm sure you can fill it in. =^^=

I Don't Really Mind

12 comments
A month has passed and definitely has been an interesting one, so.much.has.happened. [some of these are blurry and I'm sorry, the lighting in the apartment wasn't cooperating with me]
FYF FEST
You damn well know I went and it was so fun!!! I got to see Blood Orange, DIIV, Tame Impala, Father John Misty, Alex G, lil bit of Mac Demarco, lil bit of Beach House, GRIMES (!!!), and others and man was it an experience. FYF was the weekend after I moved back to SF so it was a very chaotic week. I was trying to get used to my new schedule, but of course tortured myself with a flight back home, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT!! I got to hang out with my sister and see fun bands!!! Blood Orange was SO GOOD, guys, SO GOOD. I fell in love with DIIV. I couldn't see ANYTHING during Mac Demarco. Tame Impala was obviously so cool???? GRIMES WAS SO CUTE. It was just great.
LOCAL NATIVES
I have found my second favorite ALL TIME bands. I've been listening to Local Natives ever since their first album, Gorilla Manor, came out, but recently they came out with their new album, Sunlit Youth, and it.is.SOGOOD. I want to cry. I saw them over the summer with my sister in LA, where they did an impromptu free show and it just made me feel nostalgic and reminded me of the love I have for them. So now, I've come to realize they are on the same spectrum as Vampire Weekend. SO, I got to see them last weekend here and they were SO AWESOME. Taylor Rice (lead) is my future husband and liiiikkkkeeee i'm in love with him. We were pretty far back so I couldn't quite see his face, but this man took out his man bun out and let his hair flow and CROWD SURFED and I just....this man. I am in LOVE with Local Natives and you should be too. (listen to Colombia, Coins, Fountain of Youth, Villiany, and their classics because obviously)
When I saw them in L.A.
When I saw them in Oakland.
MOVING BACK
Yup, I'm back in SF!!! I now live with some of my good good friends and it has been so much fun. I moved in a week before school started and it was crazy, but in a good way. My mom cried, of course, but it was much better than the first time because I knew I was going to live with people I knew and I basically already knew my environment!! It's been good so far and I'm excited for the year!!
Here's a bit of my room. It's definitely still in construction and looks the same as my other wall, but I just love putting shit on my white white walls!!!
I rarely get to use Clementine because all of us have a record player -_- but she's still cute and stuff.
Someone become my pen pal so we can send each other cute stuff for our walls.
I also didn't clean up my side because I felt that wasn't really me (lol) because I'm a pretty disorganized and just never do my bed.
Also, I have so much clothes that i have to put some of it under my bed...smh.
Here's my cute lil crystals, himalayan salt lamp, and incense.
SCHOOL/WORK
So I'm back with studying and working with children and it's been awesome!!! School hasn't been too much stress, but the first two weeks were definitely filled with mad anxiety. I mean, c'mon why are ice breakers a thing?!?!?! And I have a professor that uses name tags?!?!?! WHAT!!!! BUT other than that, it's goin' good, I'm doing my shit to graduate fast and yeah!! Work has been just insanely fun. I work with a younger age group now and they are the SWEETEST kids ever I can't. Recent story: I was patting one of my kids' backs to sleep and he decided to stop me and instead put my hand on top of his and he was just holding my hand. HE WAS HOLDING MY HAND TO SLEEP. AAAHHHH!!!!!! I wanted to cry, it was so cute. Children are the best medicines to bad feelings.
speaking of FEELINGS
Y'know, I've had my days. It's been a month and a half since moving back in and moving obviously takes a toll on a person (+ I've been having family issues) so I'm not surprised I had a head malfunction, but everything is okay. And that's all that matters at the moment!!
This picture depicts how I feel lol
It's been an emotional month, but it's good. It's good. I hope you all had a great end of summer and that school/whatever you're doing has been positive and fun!!! =^^=

music for ur ears

9 comments
If ya didn't know, I'm in this group called "Creatives of Colo(u)r" where there will be tons of awesome, people of color, and gender non-conforming bloggers! If you'd like to join, plsss email creativebloggersofcolour@gmail.com, we'd love to have more members!!

For the first monthly 'Creatives of Colo(u)r' posts, we've decided to talk about bands/musicians who are people of color. To be quite honest, it took me a bit to even find these three artists, which can make sense because of the general genre of music I listen to, but also it was upsetting because I'm not expanding my horizons in the music world, which I'm trying to do!!! Anyways, here are some great artists that i've been listening to lately and fooorrreevvverr!! =^^=


BLOOD ORANGE
Alright, if ya haven't listened to Dev Hynes' (A.K.A. Blood Orange) Freetown Sound, you got to!! It is too good. It's got a lot of meaning and soul to it and you can just FEEEELLL it throughout this album. You've got poetry in it, some amazing instrumental sounds, and even Carly Rae Jepsen makes an appearance, and it's damn good. The album work gives a total 90's-early 2000's feel and it's top-notch. He also provided a few songs for the Palo Alto soundtrack, and let me tell you, Champagne Coast is a HIIIT. Basically Dev Hynes is a GENIUS and a total social activist, you'll see him talking about #blacklivesmatter a ton, and being #woke. He's very cool. (and I'll be seeing him at FYF this year...yes I am crying.)
SELENA QUINTANILLA
If you're Latinx and don't know who she is..where u been...totally kidding, but she is a LEGEND. Watching her documentary about her life makes me cry, every.single.time. She died at the age of 23, right before she became a huge hit in the world. It's quite sad that many great musicians die at such a young age. Anyways, between my friends and family, whoever it is, if Selena is put on, you knoooowwww you'll be jamming to her and belting out the lyrics. I wish I would listen to more Spanish music because listening to her and singing in Spanish is SO FUN and gets me in touch with my ~**~*~Latina culture~*~**~. Basically, she was amazing and beautiful and I wish she was still thriving and making hits.
CREDS TO ROSIE EVANS AND THE BLOOM MAGAZINE FOR THIS COOL BACKGROUND. YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME!!!
TWIN SHADOW
I've listened to Twin Shadow for yeaaarrrzzzz now and I could never get tired of his 'Confess' album. It's definitely an album that makes me feel nostalgic because I got into it when I was GREATLY influenced by my sister, in all different aspects, and so it just reminds me of her and my growing years. Twin Shadow has songs that you'll feel damn cool driving around and singing along to his fun, very funky tunessssss!!!

Feels like home, home

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WARNING: I say the term 'home' alot.
I am moving back to San Francisco this weekend. This move seems a bit more permanent for a few reasons:
1. Well, I'm moving into an actual apartment, not a dorm on-campus.
2. This summer will probably be my longest stay in my house from now on.
3. The majority (really all) of my belongings will now be in SF, not my 'home'.
The subject of feeling at home and calling a place 'home' is actually quite interesting because many, when thinking that term, think of a place, but not only can it be that, but also the people and the things you have to make it a home.
I'm obviously going to have to make this new apartment my home because it will be for the year. I might move into another place next year and I'll have to make that place my new home as well so I think it's healthy to think of, wherever you live, as home. But that can also be difficult to do. You're so used to this one place being home, how could you ever think of another place as that? It's just something you need to be flexible with and get used to, I guess.
Home is a very comfortable word, very safe, at least for me. When I think of home, I think of my family, including my bunny, Orange County, my room, my materialistic things, weird patterns, messiness (if I'm being quite honest), weird smells, loud conversations, just things EVERYWHERE.
And now with this new move, I think that'll change. Some will be the same things, but adding on friends, San Francisco, cold weather, laughs, and so many others that I can't really say now because this move hasn't happened and I haven't experienced it yet.
When I first moved out, I remember calling that dorm 'home' for the first time and it was really weird. I just looked at my friend, Mia, like "what the hell". It was a realization of growing up. A realization that we can have more than one home, and personally, I find that very comforting.
To end this, here's a quote I found a while ago about home. =^^=
"Home is so sad. It stays as it was left, Shaped to the comfort of the last to go. As if to win them back."  - Philip Larkin
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